I find the years end to be a time of reflection. Last year at this time, I was in struggling a great deal. I was trying to find my place - in SL, in my writing, in a bad relationship - and in that struggle I decided to do something I'd never done before. I decided to attend a public RP event ... in drag.
I'd dabbled in alternative gender expression for months - I've played avs and characters of both genders for years - but this was something new to me. I had always found comfort in embodying firm roles of male or female, nothing too 'out' there to be given troublesome attention, showing bursts of my true self to those I was close to and trusted. I felt stuck. I wanted to be more authentic and to express the wide spectrum of myself.
I was very excited for this party. I spent days searching for a formal option and finally found a shop where I could buy a full GOWN that would fit my 'male' body. Friends at the time helped with makeup, my partner - for all their flaws, stood by me in this step out and encouraged me to express myself.
I showed up to the party alongside my partner and a crowd of other roleplayers and within minutes, the paragraphs of emotes were interrupted by a single comment from one of the women in attendance. Something along the lines of 'wow, who the hell does Remy think he is? I could wear that dress better than him'. I hate to admit that I was less angry and more genuinely hurt by the comment. She attempted to cover it up and say it was roleplay, but out of the format of a post it was clear she simply typed it in the wrong window when she meant to insult me to someone else in attendance.
I wanted to leave immediately. I wanted to never do anything like this again and go back to the safety and comfort of my more traditional male appearance even in SL. This woman couldn't have known this, but like so many of us on SL - in RL I have a host of struggles in dealing with a gender non conforming identity, and comments like that ... they just -hurt-. Such a simple comment can have an aggressive impact. When we did finally leave, and eventually felt too uncomfortable to continue on that sim, I felt like I was in a confusing spiral where I didn't know what to do or who I was. A lot of problems followed that single event - a painful break up, a lot of depressing art and more identity struggle.
In time, I found space. I found new friends who were in similar struggles, I found accepting lovers, I found sponsors who let me express myself freely, I found a home in a sim that supports me. I've grown immeasurably and I don't know if I really realized it until now.
Fast forward to to yesterday. I got a message out of the blue from a friend asking me to name a color and upon the selection of green - this dress was delivered to me. Thank you so very much to the person who made this kind gesture and reminded me of the beauty in so many of you. Thank you to the creators like BTTB who made most of what I'm wearing here, like TwoSided - who's gown I wore to that party last year- for supporting this kind of expression. Truly.
And last but not least - Thank you to all the kind and amazing people who have accepted me and empowered me in the past year. The support and happiness I feel this year is so much deeper because of all of you.
-Remy
Dress: BTTB : julig gown - emerald - JAKE
Scarf: BTTB : ledsen scarf - fatpack - male L
Hair: Truth : Trinket
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